Okay, tomorrow will be the start of the war, O level war. God! What am I thinking? I can’t get out granny from my mind. I truly miss her, I miss her so badly. The memories just flash through my mind – good and bad, we’ve been through it together with grandma. Everything just turns into memories, the talked we had with her, the last she told us was “di mana letaknya alam?” and she answered “di hati”. That was the last thing she told us.
It feels so sad just to remember her, just to look through the pictures. Just to think that she would be there. Ya Rahman, sesungguhnya kami redha akan segala ketentuanMu, kami redha Ya Allah. Cuma kenangan, bacaan Fatihah serta Yassin menemani pemergian nene.
It has been a month since she left. But the moments we had still lingering. You won’t be able to feel it, you thought that we’re moving on, yes we’re moving on but some part of our life is missing. The daily routine we had all these years - her endless talk, her voices, her smell, her place. Nowhere to be found. Every night, she would always asked us to sleep early though it was still early, she would endless mad at us for staying up late, mad for late to get home. Everything about her…. *sigh* makes me want to cry.
Her tale about her past life, how hard life is, how honesty is important, how love made you live. We loved you grandma, and I know you loved us too. But you just don’t know how to show it. We might be not your favourite your grandchildren during your live, but I’m sure deep inside your heart you loved all your grandchildren no matter how they treated you, right? Because you were the best grandma ^^, we truly missed you grandma. Face can’t tell, but heart does… Your place is empty, your voices are unheard, and you’re unseen right now. Hanya Bacaan Fatihah dan Yassin saja yang dapat menemani kesunyian mu di alam barzakh sana, nene… Semoga kita berjumpa nanti di syurga ne, rindu banar ku ne arah kita.
During PMB, you were there to accompany me, but now. You aren’t grandma. I’m going to have my O level now; I wish you were here to give me support. But no, I know I have to face all the loneliness, I have to face you aren’t going to be here anymore. Kan O level ane, Ya Allah! Sungguh, aku merindui insan yang ku gelar nene. I just realised that when that person gone – then you will know how that person mean a lot in your life.
Pusara mu yang kami lawati tiap hari Jumaat sungguh memilukan. Hanya di sana lah tempat kitani berjumpa, meskipun kami inda dapat leat kita, kami tau salam dan doa kami sampai arah kita. Mudahan nene tenang di sana ~Amin Ya Rabal’Alamin~
Kan menangis ku eh banar, rindu ku ne. Ya Rahman, but no. I won’t cry, I shouldn’t cry. Ne… pilu hati ku meleat tempat kita, gambar kita, semua pasal kita buat aku sedih, Entah. Kan menangis tapi mesti di tahan because when tears fall, it won’t stop.
{11.10.2010 – Isnin}
Kehilangan nene masih memilukan hati ku, setiap pagi ku bangun leat pat nene, nene nda. Biasanya pagi-pagi tu, awal ea bangun sembahyang subuh. Pas tu nyuruh auntie banguni kami sekulah. Makan breakfast ea, sebelum kami kan ke dapur, kadang-kadang di baginya kami duit untuk sekulah. If urang aher tu, ea th yang paling bising beside mum.
Tomorrow will be the makan-makan 40 hari. God! It has been more than a month, seriously, how time flies, I just don’t even realised it. Life has been hard for most of us, yeah perhaps. It still feels like yesterday you left us, but it’s already like 40 days. Ugh! It’s hard, hard to tell.
Granny… lots of thing happened since you were gone, I’m – sometimes feel regret for what I had done to you all these years. I feel so lost, I just want to alter it all, I want to be with your side always, always grandma. But I know it won’t happen. I could only think those moments of happiness and hardship and craved it inside my shattered heart. You had taught me so many things, tears could explain it all. I truly and dearly miss you, grandma. For what you have done to us, to the others, we were thankful for your presence for all these past years but I guess now, Raya won’t be as excitement to us as before. I just remembered last year was the last Raya we had with you, and we were visiting to Tangah Haji Tahir together with Babu Kiah’s family. When I went there earlier, I could still – vividly in my mind, you were sitting on the chair, while having a chat with the other grandma there, and as I remember you were wearing the black baju kurung. Everything will remains as unforgettable moment we had with you.
So much to tell, so much to say but I couldn’t find any words to explain it all – how much I misses you grandma (ne….). We missed you so much. It feels weird just to look at your place, and you aren’t there. Weird… so… *sigh* It may take forever for me to hold this pain of missing you, perhaps… I truly miss you, grandma. I am…
{14.10.2010 - Thursday}
may you rest at peace, my beloved grandma. Al-Fatihah.
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