Grandma... I miss you... so badly...

hello everyone. *sigh* assalamualaikum. since this is my personal blog, so I’m gonna let it all out here.

dear blog, you won’t know what I had just read, it struck me as well as those feeling… come again to haunt me… but I realised life goes on and on, it won’t stop, it won’t let you alter the things you have done. the memories stay, and the feelings change. just as what I feel right now. I feel so empty, so lonely, some part of me missing, the pieces of me shattered, to put it back – I need her. grandma, granny… I long for her. how I wish she was here, here with us, in this world. it seems impossible now. granny finally left us to the world we couldn’t even reach her…

granny… person that will always stay in my heart… in our heart.

{31 August 2010}

I didn’t look or even greet her that day – not like the other day. I usually look at her from afar, just between those windows, to make sure she’s fine but not that day. before that day came, we heard ‘something’, something that unexplainable. but the weird thing was, she don’t say a thing about it. my aunt kept on saying it was only a cat.

at school, my heart… I don’t know. they seems saying something that I don’t even understand. It beats faster than before, and I wanted to go home so badly. I keep on saying “I want to go home…” but bio thingy and ‘last extra class’ were the reason I stayed til’ afternoon that day… but guess what? I was not in peace… at all that day… something was disturbing me.. I knew the reason behind it all as I step on the emergency corner…

“ke hospital ne, nene sakit…” first sentence that I heard from father as soon as I get on the car.

My heart was beating. I tried to calm myself by saying “grandma is only sick, old sickness”. I don’t even ask my father… what actually happen to grandma…

everyone was there, emergency corner. I could see mum, my aunt and everyone. “what is happening?” I sat by my mum. she looked normal so I was guessing nothing happened. I was actually… yeah… nothing happened to grandma. grandma would be home after this, she just checking her blood pressure and stuff.. she just have an headache like she always complained… she just… okay!

“her brain is damaged.”

…….

and… “30% chances to live”

tears flow down. and everyone was crying.

{ 31 August 2010 }

I went to school just like yeah usual. I tried to pretend that I’m okay infront of anyone. I tried to cheer up and make jokes just like what I usually do. but guess someone knew that I’m not that okay “okay ko qash? nampak pucat saja… diam lagi tu ko ah..” I was like “okay eh, nda kan dicakapkan… ” and that person is not that really close to me. yeah, thanks for realising that. every knock on the door thrilled me. I just totally terrified you know something like “siti nurqashmi mana? balik”.

I talked to fuzzy and told her everything about.. grandma. Fuzzy would realized my voice… is cracked, I held back my tears, act like I’m strong enough to face the fact that grandma is going to left us. I’m not that strong… my heart bleeds a lot, and cries… everyday.

I went to hospital that day after parent’s teacher meeting, I didn’t care about that anymore, all that I care was my grandma.

{01 September 2010 }

I brought my table and bio stuffs, and history too. to revise for the coming big exam. and jid was coming over to visit grandma as well as her friend. I met her and talk to her, and as usual, act tough infront of her. I cried a lot before that, my heart that cried a lot, no one would hear because it was a silence sob.

that night, my sister and I went inside the room, my sister was reading the yasin while… membaca selawat syifa. there was a time when I was alone, grandma was lying, just to remember she’s lying hopelessly there makes me cry. I held my strength and tears, but I just can’t. I did cry. Her hand was not moving, her eyes won’t open and she won’t see us and greet us like she always did. It was an hopeless moment. hope will always there even before you realise. that night, before granny left us, her blood pressure rise up. my sister and I was so excited, and keep on smiling in the room. thanks to everyone prayer in the emergency room, my grandma seems hearing us and God.. here, I saw Your power to create this such miracle, to give us hope, Ya Allah.. kami bersyukur, even it is just for a minute happiness, we were so thankful :’) at least we knew, grandma was giving her best to wake up… you see I was there with my sister… “nene kan bangun ne! inda batah lagi!”

Sesungguhnya kita hanya merancang tapi Tuhan yang menentukan. dan apa yang terjadi itu, semuanya ada hikmah, dan Tuhan juga sudah merencanakan sesuatu yang baik untuk hambaNya.

{ 02 September 2010 }

My heart cried as I whispered to my grandma’s ear syahadah. “Allahuakbar, Lailahaillalah..” I held those wanted tear, I don’t want to be such a symphatic person infront of everyone. I went away – outside to call Fatin to come and meet grandma before she left. I knew grandma is going to left us.

the sobs filled the car. My sis(s), Fatin, Leiy and I. we cried to the fact that grandma is not here anymore. She won’t be home, she won’t mad at us and… she won’t greet us every morning. and she won’t even take care of us when we were sick. everything is just a dream – a nightmare that I want to wake up from. but this is the reality. yang sudah tertulis di Luh Mahfuz. Ya Rahman, kami redha akan permergian nenek kami, sesungguhnya kami tahu setiap yang hidup itu pasti akan mati. Engkau mengambil balik hakMu, Ya tuhan. kami hanya berserah, tawakkal…

when my world is falling apart,

when there’s no light to break up the dark,

that’s when I look at you.

when the waves are flooding the shore and,

I can’t find my way home anymore,

that’s when I look at you.

when I look at you, I see forgiveness.

I see the truth.

You love me for who I am,

like the stars hold the moon,

right there where they belong,

and I know I’m not alone.

that’s when I look at you, grandma.

I miss you grandma. so badly. Al-Fatihah.